The Night the Bowling Balls Chose Violence

This week in Iowa sports began the way most heartbreak does, which is quietly and with hope. The Hawkeyes women's basketball team lost barely to their in-state rivals, the Iowa State Cyclones, 74-69. Losing barely is its own kind of wound. We played with heart, but Iowa State's number 25 showed up like she had something to prove and a calendar reminder set for it. Incredible performance. Disrespectful timing.

Then, because Iowa loves symmetry, the Hawkeyes men's basketball team followed with their own close loss to Iowa State, 66-62. At that point I stopped checking scores and started wondering whether I emotionally had room for Iowa sports at all. I did, but barely, and the freezer is where I keep that kind of feeling.

Naturally, the universe decided that was not enough and dropped another Iowa winter snowstorm on us. Roads were icy and the wind was personal, and by Thursday night only half the league bowlers braved the weather to come into Colonial Lanes, where I work. Which is how legends are born: with time on their hands and boredom in their hearts, somebody whose name will be lost to history decided to stack bowling balls end over end on a table. Not one, not two, but a towering column of questionable judgment. I noticed it earlier and thought somebody would say something. Somebody did, eventually, at volume.

By Sara Jane Shelvock, CEO, Torus Coffee Company LLC This week in Iowa sports began the way most heartbreak does — quietly, with hope. The Iowa Hawkeyes women’s basketball team fell just short against their in-state rivals, the Iowa State Cyclones, 74–69. It hurt. Deeply. The Hawkeyes played with heart, but Iowa State’s #25 showed up like she had something to prove and a calendar reminder set. Incredible performance. Disrespectful timing. Then, because Iowa loves symmetry, the Iowa Hawkeyes men’s basketball team followed with their own close loss to Iowa State, 66–62. At that point, I stopped checking scores and started wondering if I emotionally had room for Iowa sports anymore. (I did. But barely.) Naturally, the universe said, That’s not enough, and dropped another Iowa winter snowstorm on us. Roads were icy, wind was personal, and by Thursday night only half the league bowlers braved the weather to come into Colonial Lanes, where I work. Which is how legends are born. With time on their hands and boredom in their hearts, someone — whose name will be lost to history (cough, cough… Keegan) — decided to stack bowling balls end over end on a table. Not one. Not two. But a towering column of questionable judgment. I noticed it earlier and thought, That feels unsafe. Then I remembered I live in Iowa, where we believe consequences are optional until proven otherwise. Closing time arrived. The lanes went quiet. The lights dimmed. And then my manager approached the table. He lifted the top bowling ball. And that’s when the remaining four bowling balls, bound by gravity and rage, broke formation. They rolled. They bounced. They launched. Time slowed. Somewhere a dramatic soundtrack played. One bowling ball hit the floor. Another ricocheted like it was aiming for greatness. The third had a mission. SMASH. Direct hit on an arcade game. The impact echoed through the building and instantly silenced a room full of adults who realized they were now inside a story that would never die. No one moved. No one spoke. We all stared at the broken arcade game, the scattered bowling balls, and the table that had betrayed us all. And in that moment, we knew: This would never be remembered as “that slow night.” It would be known forever as The Bowling Ball Incident. Kids will hear about it. New employees will hear about it. Someone will exaggerate and say the bowling balls flew. Another will swear one of them growled. By next winter, sparks will absolutely be involved. Thankfully, no one was hurt, the arcade game will recover, and Colonial Lanes remains standing — though emotionally changed. After a week like that, you don’t need therapy. You need snacks. Our Apple Zephyr Chips – Freeze-Dried Apples are crisp, light, and irresistibly crunchy — the kind of freeze-dried snack that gets you through sports heartbreak, winter chaos, and watching three bowling balls declare independence in real time. These small-batch freeze-dried apples are perfect for stress snacking, recovery snacking, or quietly eating while staring into the middle distance thinking, Did that really just happen? With this edition, The Orbit Report: The Night the Bowling Balls Chose Violence officially joins the archive of Iowa chaos, proving that legends happen, snacks save the day, and even the most outrageous bowling alley incidents can’t break your cosmic spirit. Another week in our Iowa orbit. Another story added to the legend. Stay curious. Stay crunchy. Stay cosmic. — Sara Jane Shelvock, CEO, Torus Coffee Company LLC